LMFAO: Some Embarrassing Sex Stories That Ended in the ER

Heart-Stopping Sex

“I’ll never forget the time an ambulance brought n a young slacker guy and his girlfriend. They had decided to get it on in his grandmother’s basement while she was out of the house. They’d grabbed a tube of what they thought was lubricant from her wellstocked medicine cabinet. Unfortunately, it was nitroglycerin paste, a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure. When Grandma came home, she found the couple lying on top of each other, unconscious and buck naked. They eventually came to after we gave them oxygen and fluids.”
Stuck On You

“One night, a gurney rolled in carrying a woman in black lingerie-who happened to be straddling a naked man. They told us that they had been doing a lot of drugs and having wild sex when the woman’s vagina cramped up and the guy couldn’t pull out. The doctor on duty gave her muscle relaxants, and after several minutes, they were able to separate. Then they were promptly arrested on drug charges.” 

 

Unscheduled Delivery

“During an ice storm, a rescue squad radioed that they were bringing in a young woman with severe menstrual cramps. I was the ER nurse assigned to take her medical history. Although obviously in discomfort, the woman looked totally healthy. She told me she’d been having normal periods, which was frustrating to her because she and her man had been trying to get pregnant for some time. I reassured her that the gynecologist on duty would be able to give her something for the pain, but when the doctor came in to examine her, he took one look and said that not only was she pregnant, but she was going to have a baby right then! We rushed her to the maternity floor, and soon after, she delivered a healthy baby girl.”

Sponge-Bath Slip up

“When I was just starting out as a nurse, I had to give a sponge bath to an incredibly hot male patient. I tried to be very professional about it and not embarrass either one of us. But when it was time to wash his back, instead of saying ‘Turn over,’ I accidentally blurted out ‘Move over.’ He gave me a huge grin and said, ‘Oh, I don’t know if there’s enough room, but trust me, I’ll try!’” 

 

Eye Love Dildos

“I got Lasik eye surgery but because of my dry-eye syndrome, and my eyes were really sensitive. That didn’t keep me from having sex, though, and my boyfriend and I were excited to try out a new sex toy he had been given as a gag gift, which was a very elaborate rotating dildo. He had barely used it on me, and as a joke went to run the thing, when it was fully turned on, against my cheek to be funny. It was so highly powered that as it was spinning it hit me in the eye and scratched my cornea. I started crying uncontrollably and we had to go to the hospital. When we got there we made some story up about how I ran into something, but eventually my boyfriend started joking with the nurse about what really happened – and five other people in the waiting room heard!”

Keyed Up

“A hysterical woman came into the ER. She’d just had a fight with her boyfriend while sitting in his parked car. She said she had gotten so mad at him that she pulled the key out of the ignition and put it in her vagina so he couldn’t drive home! Now she couldn’t locate the key to get it out. I couldn’t find it either, so we concluded that it must have fallen out somewhere near her boyfriend’s car.

 

Ballsy Move

“This was obviously inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey” which I talked to my boyfriend about all the time. At his parents house one night when we were house-sitting, there was a bowl of little silver balls, which looked like something you’d buy at an electronics store in a mall. They were magnetic and stuck together, until you pulled them apart and were about the size of over-sized bouncing balls. Trying to be clever, my boyfriend decided to insert a couple inside of me one night, but I guess they were smaller then we thought, because one of them wouldn’t come out. We could feel it, and it would move from side to side, but we had to go to the ER for them to get it out with medical pliers. It was like a little kid getting a coin stuck up their nose, but way raunchier.”

Showers of Pain

“We were having sex in the shower, and my foot slipped from under me and I went down, falling forwards and hitting my open mouth against the bath faucet. I knocked out my two front teeth and loosened others. There was blood everywhere and loose nerves hanging out. I was able to get dressed and we went to the ER and told them I just lost my footing in the shower, but we haven’t had shower sex since – and I don’t think I ever will.”

Hot Beef Infection

“I was assigned to examine a patient with stomach pain. The woman turned out to be my high school classmate, but instead of being happy to see me, she was mortified. She confessed she wasn’t suffering from stomach pain but had gotten something ‘stuck.’ Hours earlier, she’d microwaved a frozen hot dog to use as a sex toy. But heating it had softened the hot dog, and it broke off inside her. I removed it, though I doubt she’ll look me in the eye at our next reunion!”

 

Scream Cream

“I bought something called “Shrink Cream” off the internet, that was supposed to be Asian and miraculous and make you tighter down there. I didn’t try it out like it recommended before using it anywhere else on my body, but put it in an hour before I expected to have sex. It felt tingly but I ignored it. I figured it was working because sex was really painful, but tighter. I woke up in the middle of (that same) night practically screaming having to go to the hospital I was in so much pain: It turns out it gave me the worst yeast infection, UTI, and allergic reaction I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t suggest buying stuff off the internet like that!”

Toy With Him

“A guy came into our ER one night. When the doctor asked him to describe his problem, he reached into his bag, pulled out a sex-toy catalog, and pointed to a long, curved toy on one of the pages. ‘I can show you what’s in there,’ he winked. ‘Now let’s see if you can get it out.’ The doctor did, after leaving the room to stop laughing so hard.”

 

Go Fish

“A man explained that his girlfriend had tried to take his temperature rectally and ‘lost’ the thermometer. I could actually see the glass tip poking out of his rear end, so I got a padded clamp and gently began pulling. It was a thermometer all right, but one for a fish tank-more than a foot long!”

 

Play Ball

“A young couple came in with this story: During sex, the woman had grabbed a medium-size rubber ball and inserted it into her man’s back door. The ball became lodged so high in his rectum, they couldn’t get it out… and neither could we! The attending MD paged a surgeon, but while we were waiting for him to arrive, the man began coughing. The ball came flying out of his butt with enough velocity to ping around the room and hit the just arriving surgeon in the head.”

 

The Brazilian Bite

“After a brutal Brazilian wax, I went home with a guy and let him go down on me. Although he a was pretty good kisser, he bit me! The first time I think I just said ‘Ow,’ but he kept going and did it again and I saw I was bleeding. When I went to the bathroom to wash off, I had actual teeth marks on the lower area of my crotch, which had already been red and puffy from my wax job the day before. I made him leave and went to the hospital the next day, but there is no other way to explain teeth marks on your vagina that is not mortifying!”

Hairy Hookup

“My boyfriend and I were having a romantic night together with dinner, wine, candles, the whole bit. We left music playing and the candles on when we started to have sex, and the room was dark, which is probably why neither of us noticed that one of the small votives next to my bed had lit my hair on fire! My hair burned all the way up to the scalp in one section, and the fire alarm eventually went off, and firefighters ended up showing up because we couldn’t figure out how to turn it off (remember, we are disrobed while this is going on). They suggested I go to an ER when they saw how far up the burn went, because the smoke actually caused a burn on my scalp, and I still have a scar to this day. I had to wear my hair in a ponytail for weeks and part my hair was different for over a year!”

Super Sex

“In college my boyfriend and I sometimes used lubes that would warm up. One night we were both a little tipsy, and I told him I left it on my desk. He goes to put it on me and very quickly we both realized he had just put SuperGlue on my vagina, which must have been sitting next to it. He was able to pull his fingers off, but a part of my pretty newly waxed labia was already stuck together and couldnt be pulled apart. It was so bad and painful, I had to go the college hospital and even called my mom to come and console me!”

Meet the F*ckers

“My ex-boyfriend and I were having sex in the middle of the day in the loft area of his parents house when they came home unexpectedly – and walked right in on us. His mom already hated me, and he’s kind of a wuss, so he took off completely naked, with no regard for me, also naked. He fell down the stairs, breaking his ankle. His mom was so furious that she acted as if she didn’t care her son was so injured, and at the hospital, where I awkwardly went with his parents, she told every nurse and doctor exactly what happened, as she shot me dirty looks. We broke up a few weeks later.”

Totally Nuts

“I remember thinking my fiance was going to get bored of having sex with me after we had been sleeping together for just a few months so I wanted to make things more interesting for us. I couldn’t imagine either of us using a sex toy or any weird costumes or anything but I bought these flavored body oils that seemed like they would be something we could get into, and used the strawberry one one night. Unfortunately, I doubt anyone thinks to read the ingredients on those things. My fiance is allergic to nuts, which apparently is a by-product in that particular bedroom body oil, which he spent like an hour licking off of me. It was a very long night in the emergency room trying to explain to the doctor everything he had ate and done for the past forty-eight hours trying to figure out what was wrong with him.”